What Does a Healthy Relationship With Food Actually Look Like?

The majority of women I work with in my coaching tell me they want to have a “healthier relationship with food.”

The problem with a goal like that is...

What does that actually mean?

If you tell me you want to run a mile in seven minutes, we both know exactly what success looks like.

You run a mile.

The clock says 7:00 or less.

But a “healthy relationship with food” isn’t nearly as clear.

So when a client tells me this is something she wants, we usually have to go a few steps deeper.

What do YOU think having a healthy relationship with food would actually look and feel like?

And when we dig into that question, I often hear things like:

I wouldn’t think about food so much.

I wouldn’t regret what I ate.

I wouldn’t feel guilty after eating certain foods.

I wouldn’t overeat or stress eat.

I wouldn’t worry about what other people think about what I’m eating.

Notice what most of those have in common.

They describe the absence of an uncomfortable internal experience around food.

No guilt.

No regret.

No indecision.

No critical thoughts.

No worry.

And THAT is where the definition of a “healthy relationship with food” can subtly become another impossible standard to live up to.

Because having a healthy relationship with food does not mean you’ll eventually reach a point where you always feel good about every food choice you make.

That would be a little like moving to San Diego because you want beautiful weather and expecting it to never rain again.

You might get a whole lot more sunshine.

And rain might be far less common.

Every once in a while, though...

It’s still going to rain.

But you probably wouldn’t look outside on one rainy Tuesday and think:

Welp. I guess San Diego doesn’t have nice weather after all.

Yet we do something very similar when we're trying to change our relationship with food.

You eat more than you intended and feel disappointed.

I thought I was getting better at this.

You eat because you’re stressed and regret it afterward.

See? I still have a problem with food.

You catch yourself wondering whether someone is judging what’s on your plate.

I shouldn’t still care about this.

An uncomfortable thought or emotion shows up, and we immediately treat its presence as evidence that something has gone wrong.

But the presence of those thoughts and feelings doesn’t tell you very much about your progress.

Sometimes you’re going to make a food choice you regret.

Sometimes you’re going to eat past comfortable.

Sometimes you’re going to feel guilty.

Sometimes the old critical voice is going to have something to say about your body or what’s on your plate.

Sometimes you might even have the thought:

Well, I already screwed it up today, so I might as well keep going.

You’re a human being.

There are still going to be rainy days.

The better evidence of change is what happens NEXT.

Maybe you regret overeating...

But instead of deciding you need to restrict tomorrow, you eat normally the next day.

Maybe you notice yourself thinking:

I have no self-control.

But instead of turning that thought into a judgment about who you are, you get curious about what was happening when you made that choice.

Maybe you feel guilty after eating dessert.

But you let yourself sit with that emotion without deciding you need to compensate for what you ate.

Maybe you stress eat after a terrible day.

But instead of deciding that proves you’ve made zero progress, you recognize that food was the coping tool you reached for in that moment and consider what else might help next time.

THAT is evidence of change.

And this distinction is important because otherwise we can accidentally turn “having a healthy relationship with food” into another perfectionistic goal.

First the rule was:

I shouldn't overeat.

Then you do all this work on your relationship with food, and the rule becomes:

I shouldn't criticize myself when I overeat.

So now when the critical thought shows up, you have something ELSE to criticize yourself for.

We’ve just moved the goalposts.

The goal was never to reach a place where every food choice feels easy and every thought you have about food is positive.

A healthy relationship with food still includes disappointment.

It still includes regret.

It still includes choices you wish you had made differently.

The difference is that those experiences no longer have to send you into a spiral of shame, punishment, restriction, or giving up.

So if having a healthier relationship with food is one of your goals, I want you to get a little more specific about how you're measuring your progress.

Don't only ask:

Did I overeat?

Did I feel guilty?

Did I have the critical thought?

Pay attention to what happened AFTER those things showed up.

Because progress isn't always the absence of the old thought, feeling, or behavior.

Sometimes the clearest evidence of progress is how differently you respond when it happens.